Archive | January, 2014
Aside 16 Jan

The Cottonwoods sit in a hollow and can’t be seen from Union Rd. They are heavy with mistletoe. All of our prayers remain unanswered. It has not rained for 9 weeks. All I have to do is light one match and a conflagration would clear acres along the riverbed, exploding fist-sized rocks with its heat, making noise that couldn’t be ignored.

I made too much noise in his life. He complained all the time that he was tired and could not concentrate. He’d turn off music, even on road trips. If decorum called for it, he’d listen to classical music. What choice did he have? Just keep down the noise. It’s difficult to tread water in a shame pool; this one is so very deep. All concentration is needed to not drown.The mind can’t be bothered with incoming love or joy. It is just too hard to try.

Right now it’s so quiet I can hear the sun shine. No breeze rustles the dusty trees. He is in the shame pool, and someone is standing on his head. It isn’t me. It never was.

Aside 2 Jan

My hair is still beautiful. Soft, shiny and brilliant with highlights. Despite this, my husband choose to become an automaton. He grew a switch between his legs,like a stick from the granny smith tree. On and off, up/down. He grew to be no fun. A stick in the mud.

Dangerous? I think so. Most stickmen are as wily and as unpredictable as a human with a soul.He grew to hate my soft arms and warm belly.I experienced chest pain from his unyielding metal trunk forcing me into tachycardia every time we fucked.He killed my cat and beat my dog. Still, I have to tell him I love him.

Always wants to gossip about Jesus. Won’t pray for rain. Afraid to live his own life. As emotionally stingy as any automaton. Can’t remember his mother or father. (Neither can I; perhaps they were not really ever there.) Likes his high- octane mediocrity.

I never smelled any scent on him but the gunpowder. Cordite, right? His pink cock like an ugly little turtle.If I press on my eyes it recedes. Memories have a protective coating that once in the mouth, dissolves.I lick at the edges, but it will never taste sweet again.